As the spring ushered in rebirth, and the knowledge that you would be coming; the fall ushers in impending death and the knowledge that your life with us is limited.
It was March 3 that we found out you were with us. Your cousin Sophia’s eighth birthday. Even though I had taken many tests in the two-and-half years we awaited your arrival, this time I felt in my gut it was a positive. I was so sure that I got up with your dad at five in the morning to take it because the anticipation was killing me. It was exactly day 28 of my cycle. He didn’t know what I was doing, so when I suddenly appeared in the kitchen holding a faint positive he was in shock. “How did that happen?” Funny man!
We didn’t want to tell anyone right away, especially your brother, since we’d already been through a miscarriage. So, we kept this news to ourselves. Our own little secret, our treasure, our gift. I cannot remember a time where I have felt more blissful. More content with the world. The feeling ran so deep that it scared me. It felt eerie. Like it was too good to be true, that it wasn’t human to feel this happy. I was cautious with myself to not feel it too deeply because I knew it wouldn’t last forever. My intuition told me this was just a calm before a storm that I couldn’t put my finger on. I pushed the dark feelings away any moment they entered my thoughts. We were going to be a family of four, finally, our dream was coming true and this was to be celebrated. March 2017 was six months ago, but now it feels like a surreal dream that never existed.
Originally posted on September 22, 2017 at: Carrying Eva