“There’s way too much happy in here. The buzz of the crowd makes me feel like I‘m swirling in another world.”
This is an excerpt from my journal, Nov. 4, 2017. I was spending the night in the NICU and decided to grab a good bite to eat while they changed Eva’s PIC line. So I went to a hip pub down the street, ready to enjoy a good pizza versus hospital cafeteria food. I sat down, looked around at all the laughing faces and instantly felt loneliness. I got back up and jetted out of there as fast as I could. Sitting in a drug store parking lot, I bawled my eyes out over the enormity of our life, as a happy crowd enjoyed a simple Saturday night out.
I grabbed a hummus plate to go and took it back to the NICU lounge. These were my people, those whose lives were also dictated by their child in the hospital. Even though we ate in silence, I felt a lot less lonely than in that noisy bar.
Six months into this grief journey, and being in public is still exhausting. I recognize this is just a season in my life. I’m super grateful for all my loved ones, but now it’s this community of loss parents who make me feel less lonely. Thank you for holding space for me and my grief. My hope is I can help you feel less loneliness as well.